Video Monday

First Mother's Day

Happy belated Mother's Day to all you mothers!  I am so lucky to have a wonderful mother and a mother-in-law in my life, and I feel soo blessed to be able to be called a mother this year.  This is my new favorite holiday!!  I was able to sleep in on Sunday morning because Eric handled the early morning (5:45am) feeding.  The babies brought me their very own gifts in bed at around 8:00, before their morning nap.  They each were proud to hold their own gift bag, and were reluctant to let them go so I could have them.  I was pleased to see they know me so well already - two of my favorite candy bar (Caramello) and my one additive vice (Burt's Bees chapstick). Plus, they know I have my hands full, so they also were so thoughtful and got me one of those bluetooth phone ear pieces that makes people look schizophrenic:).  They had fun laughing hysterically at the tissue paper for several minutes, and then we all took a nice nap.  When we got up, Eric made me homemade waffles for breakfast.  Yum!  We all played for awhile, then took a family trip to the mall, although I didn't find anything.  Then it was back home for a quick lunch (Jimmy John's sandwiches for mommy and daddy; formula, oatmeal, and veggies for the babies), and then I got ready for my ladies' night out.  I had a great night with some girlfriends for dinner, drinks, and the Wicked show!  When I got home late in the evening, Eric sent me to bed and stayed up to clean diapers and wash dishes.  It was a fabulous day, and I am looking forward to next year!

Weaning

Seven months and two days after beginning, the babies made the decision to stop nursing. I really never thought that the decision to stop wouldn’t be my own – but I guess that was my first experience with baby autonomy. I am sad though. Even though nursing was never necessarily easy for me with twins, I really enjoyed so much about nursing. It felt awesome that my body produced such wonderful food for them that gave them a great start in life and kept them healthy. I loved the closeness I felt with the babies when I nursed them. I loved that I could calm them when they were fussy just by nursing. It wasn’t easy, and it was sometimes even stressful, but I truly loved this part of early parenting and I will miss it.

I was lucky and never experienced blocked ducts, mastitis, thrush, or any of the many ailments that can come with breastfeeding. What I did experience was a major supply deficit. I never really was able to produce enough for the babies. I think there was a span of a few weeks when they didn’t need formula supplementation, but other than that they have been getting both breast milk and formula for their whole lives. Many things early on happened to affect my milk supply:

Number one, I had two babies. I know some women who are superstar milk producers and made enough to feed their babies only breast milk, but the majority of moms of multiples I know also used formula. It was, of course, my hope to exclusively breastfeed, but once I found out we were having twins I was more open to the possibility of formula. That’s what it’s there for, after all!

Number two, I had premature babies. Luckily, they weren’t too early, but even late-term preemies like ours can have difficulty being efficient nursers, and mine definitely were inefficient at first. It took until about their due date for them to really get the hang of it, which makes sense. But, that also means that we had about 4 weeks of not-so-great nursing.

Number three, I caught H1N1 a few days after having the babies. The CDC’s position at that time was that nursing mothers should not nurse with H1N1, but should just pump and feed breast milk through a bottle. So, for the two weeks or so, I wasn’t able to feed on demand, which is what really builds your supply.

I tried just about every method out there to build up my supply, barring prescription drugs (which exist but the potential side effects made the potential benefits not seem worth it). I took Fenugreek capsules for much of the babies’ lives, which means that I smelled like maple syrup for a few months. I drank Mother’s Milk Tea (3-5 cups daily) for the last few months – you really acquire a taste for black licorice with that stuff. I ate constantly, and drank like 100 oz of water everyday.  I tried oatmeal, and I tried dark beer. I tried pumping boot camps (where you pump for 5 minutes, rest for 10 minutes, pump for 5 minutes, rest for 10 minutes, etc). When the babies began sleeping through the night, I went in to wake them up to nurse so that I could get an extra session in. When I went back to work, my supply dipped even more, and even though I pumped 2-3 times while at work, I still couldn’t bring it back up. I would want to cry (and sometimes would) when I saw how little I had to bring home in my little insulated bag. But, Eric would remind me that every drop counted to keep the boys healthy. During spring break, I was determined to have a nursing marathon week, where I would throw away the babies’ schedule and just feed them on demand and decrease their supplementation. This was a disaster. It’s easy to say you will do those things, but when you’re faced with two screaming, hungry babies, and your body won’t cooperate (i.e., it is not all of a sudden a fountain of breast milk just because you're on spring break), supplementation is necessary. At their six month checkup, the doctor told us that breast milk is most important before 6 months, and it sort of plateaus after that point. After the stressful “nursing marathon” I had done that week, I guess I grabbed on to that piece of information. I decided not to bring my pump to work on Monday. I was relieved to be finished with that part of things – it was annoying to carry, and set up, and try to find time throughout my day to pump 2-3 times. I nursed the boys in the morning before work, at dinner, and before I went to bed. This lasted about a month. Slowly my supply dipped even more, and I think that ultimately caused the boys to wean themselves. It was probably too much work for them for not a lot of reward.

I am sad to be finished, but I am trying to look on the bright side. For the last 7 months, I constantly stressed about my supply, and to be honest my self-esteem definitely suffered – why couldn’t I produce enough for my children? What was wrong with me? So, it is nice not to have these negative thoughts anymore.  Then, nursing took a lot of time. I had to nurse and bottle feed (and later give solid food as well), at every feeding. And nursing with twins is not just popping the baby on your breast – it is getting your twin nursing pillow, some blankets to keep them on it, some pillows for underneath it. It is putting the babies in front of you within arms reach. It is heaving one onto the pillow, rolling a blanket next to him to keep him from rolling off, then heaving the second one on to the pillow, and doing the same. Then it is getting each one to latch, and managing to keep each one latched. It is running interference between them because they want to grab at everything, which includes each other's faces.  Heaven help you if you have to burp one in between, while keeping the other one latched.

But, mostly, I am still sad to be finished. I had it in my mind that I would nurse until the babies were 1 year old. I probably would have even gone a little longer. I am disappointed that expectation was not met. I am sad that I will no longer get to pick up Felix when he wakes up too early on a Saturday morning, bring him in bed with me, and nurse him until we both fall back asleep. I really cherished those times. I am sad that I can no longer provide something uniquely mine for the babies. Not to be overly dramatic, but in a way, I guess I no longer feel as needed.

As I told Eric a few days ago, I guess we will just have to have another baby someday so I can nurse again…yikes, I guess it is time to go back and re-read the birth story so I get that idea out of my head...!